Intimacy After Baby: It Doesn’t Just “Come Back” [Mamastayhealthy Podcast Recap]
Let’s talk about something we really don’t talk about enough after having a baby: intimacy.
And I don’t just mean sex.
I mean emotional closeness. Feeling connected to your partner. Feeling connected to yourself. Feeling like you can exist as a woman, not just a mom who knows everyone’s nap schedule and what’s rotting in the fridge.
I recently had a conversation with Mariella on the Mamastay Healthy podcast about intimacy after baby, and honestly- I wish every new parent could overhear it. Because so many moms walk away from this season thinking something is wrong with them when in reality… no one told them the truth.
So let’s talk about it. Big sister style. With love. And honesty. And a little humor because this stuff is heavy and we all need to breathe while reading it.
The Lie That Sets Moms Up to Fail
Somewhere along the way, many of us absorb this idea that intimacy after baby just… comes back. That once you’re cleared at your 6–8 week postpartum appointment, things should naturally slide back into place.
And when they don’t, the spiral starts.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why don’t I feel ready?”
“Why am I avoiding this?”
“Why does this feel so hard?”
Here’s the thing no one says out loud:
That expectation is unrealistic.
Being “cleared” at six weeks means you are medically safe. That’s it. It does not mean your body, hormones, nervous system, emotions, or identity are on the same timeline.
Those systems do not RSVP to the six-week checkup.
What’s Actually Normal After Baby
Postpartum intimacy lives inside a new normal. And this is where moms get tripped up because no one explains what that really means.
Emotionally, you might still be processing:
a birth that felt scary, rushed, or out of your control
not feeling listened to or respected
anxiety that won’t quite turn off
Physically, your body may still be navigating:
healing from stitches or tearing
pelvic floor changes
breastfeeding or hormonal shifts
pain, dryness, numbness, or leaking
Mentally, you’re likely carrying:
the constant mental load
nonstop decision-making
responsibility for another human, 24/7
Confidence and desire don’t magically appear when you’re exhausted, touched-out, and running on adrenaline.
And while six weeks gets talked about like the finish line, the truth is this:
a year to a year and a half is often a much more realistic window for true physical and hormonal recovery.
That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means your body is doing exactly what bodies do: healing.
Why No One Talks About This (And Why That Hurts)
Because intimacy after baby is rarely spoken about honestly, a lot of moms internalize the silence as failure.
They scroll. They compare. They assume everyone else figured it out faster. And because no one warned them this might happen, they conclude: I must be the problem.
You’re not.
You were just never given the full picture.
The Nervous System Piece No One Explains
Here’s where things get important, so stay with me.
Early postpartum life puts your nervous system into survival mode. Your body goes into protection mode- alert, responsive, hyper-aware. That’s biology. That’s how babies stay alive.
But if your nervous system never gets the signal that it’s safe to stand down, it can show up as:
numbness
anxiety
irritability
overwhelm
decision fatigue
And here’s the part that connects directly to intimacy:
If you don’t feel safe in your body, it’s really hard to feel open with your partner.
Intimacy requires presence. Receiving. Softness.
Survival mode does not.
So no- you’re not broken. You’re likely just still in mama bear mode.
Intimacy Is More Than Sex (Yes, This Matters)
When people hear “intimacy,” they immediately think sex. And while sex can absolutely be part of intimacy, it’s not the whole picture.
Intimacy can be:
holding hands
cuddling
kissing
making out
emotional closeness without pressure
Pressure to “perform” is the fastest way to shut desire down.
You’re allowed to want closeness without it turning into performance.
You’re allowed to have sexual needs and love your baby deeply.
These things can exist at the same time.
And no, the goal isn’t going back to who you were before baby. That version of you is gone. You’re becoming someone new. And she deserves patience.
Practical Tools to Reduce Pressure (Without Forcing Anything)
The Asking Game
Set a timer for three minutes and take turns asking for what you want.
Things like:
“Play with my hair.”
“A little more pressure.”
“I like it when you do this.”
Rules:
Start with non-sexual requests.
You’re allowed to ask without having to return the ask.
The structure lowers pressure and builds communication.
This is about learning to ask, not perform.
(This will translate outside of phsycial things too- “Can you change the babies diaper?” “Can you finish the dishes tonight?” “Can I sleep in tomorrow morning?”)
I love you girl but no, he doesnt just know how to do these things. Especially if you’re the one home primarily with the baby. You have to give him the tools to succeed so you can get what you need.
Hand-to-Heart Breathing
Sit facing each other. One hand on your heart, one on theirs. Breathe together for three minutes.
Notice:
who’s leading
who’s following
fast or slow heart rate
This creates safety and connection without sexual expectation.
(This translates to cues, both sexual and non sexual, when we learn how to be attuned to our partner, we can try to anticipate the need through closeness and practice)
A Loving (But Important) Word for Partners
If I could say one thing to partners, especially dads- it would be this:
Starting intimacy with “Are we going to have sex?” adds pressure. Full stop.
For many men, sex equals closeness. For many women postpartum, closeness has to come before desire.
Things that help:
lightening her mental load
asking how she feels instead of when she’ll be ready
creating closeness without a sexual end goal
Safety invites desire. Pressure blocks it.
And if you’re a partner who feels hesitant after witnessing a traumatic birth- that matters too. Everyone’s experience deserves space. There’s no right or wrong here. There’s only honesty.
Reclaiming Identity After Baby (This Is Bigger Than Intimacy)
When Mariella asked me how moms start reclaiming their identity after baby, I wanted to slow the question way down, because reclaiming yourself doesn’t mean reinventing your entire life.
It starts smaller.
Tip #1: Write to the Versions of You That Matter
Dear Old Me: What do you wish she knew?
Dear Future Me: Who are you becoming?
This gives language to the internal shift that’s already happening.
Tip #2: Reintroduce Yourself to Yourself
Notice what still feels like you:
small sparks of energy
curiosity
things that don’t feel forced
No action required. Just awareness.
Tip #3: Let Yourself Be Seen
Reclaiming identity doesn’t happen in isolation.
Let one safe person see you where you are, not where you think you should be. That safety brings you back to yourself.
Let Me Say This Clearly
If you are reading this and feeling stretched thin, anxious, or confused, you are not crazy, and you are not alone.
Intimacy reflects how safe and connected you feel- with yourself and with your partner. That safety can be rebuilt. Slowly. Gently. Without shame.
Support doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means you’re human in a big transition.
And yes, God is with you in this too. You don’t need perfect words or a long prayer. Sometimes “Hey God, it’s me. I need you” is enough.
He gets it.
These are the kinds of conversations we have inside my community- honest ones, with humor and depth, prayer and accountability. The kind where you don’t have to pretend you’ve got it all figured out.
If this resonated, you’d probably fit right in.
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